'you are incapable of loving anyone', she said amidst tears.'The only person you love is you, and all this time you are just stringing me along, when you yourself are not sure what you want.' Her eyes were flooding now, and he could see her face turn red---in part by the hurt within, and in part because she was embarrassed to show this side of her.'we have been seeing each other this way for the past six months, and yet I have never gotten that feeling of closeness with you. It is as if you are here when you want to be, and gone the next. How do you expect me to live on like this? I either need to get through this wall you have created around yourself, or we need to stop seeing each other' with this final statement she completely lost her sense of composure and broke down.
He was not sure how to react to this. Well, he was in a way, since this was not the first time this had happened in his long list of failed relationships. He was never good when it came to showing emotions anyway, and had decided a long time ago just to shut up and listen, before walking away.
As he got in his car and started the engine, he couldnt help but realize this could be the last time he would be backing out of that driveway. Yes, he was the type who would not even let them know where he lived so they wouldnt come back to haunt him once he moved on, but today for the first time, he could feel a little tug deep inside him that kept trying to say something. He pulled out anyway, and slowly righted the car on the street hoping she would run out and tell him to stop, that she didnt mean anything she said, that all she wanted was him in whatever fashion he was willing to give to her.
But she had turned off the lights and he could kinda sense the air of finality on this chapter the way she was crying earlier. He had never seen her cry before.
He stopped by the gas station near her house and bought him a pack of Marlboros.It had been six months since he had quit smoking....ironically around the same time he had started seeing her. But today he had this deep urge to fill his lungs with that acrid nicotine once again. He had been to this gas station numerous times before, but today he felt uncomfortable walking in through those doors, as if it belonged to her, and he did not have any right to use something that was in her neighborhood. Parked outside the store and with every puff into that chilly night air, he started feeling very lonely.
Today was saturday, and he could do a lot of things tonite. Maybe hit one of those clubs he had been hearing about but had not been able to visit since he had started seeing her. Or he could call up some of his old flames and hope to get lucky. Stilll, nothing sounded as good as going back to her...but was he willing to give her what she wanted? Nah, lets go check the night life. If nothing else, a bevy of scantily clad women can distract you enough to calm your troubled waters and help you move on.
He had always been good with charming the opposite sex. He was born on the same day as that playboy deity of the hindus. and shared the same magnetism. Whether it was back home in Kathmandu, or in this land he came to build his future on, one thing he could count on was getting the attention of the opposite sex. He could melt them with his smile and send them to fantasy land with his quick wit and humor.He was a bad boy too, he still smoked pot and hung out with the rough crowd. And yes, he could also play the guitar really well.
She was not the prettiest girl he had ever been with, but there was something special about her . She was very smart too, and really held her own in their conversations on various topics. She was not very tall, but she more than made up for it with her other features. He was amazed at how time would just fly by when they started talking. This was the first relationship he had where he was attracted aesthetically as he was physically.He had just gotten out of another relationship right before he met her, and
for some time figured it would just be a 'rebound' thing. Boy was he wrong..that was six months ago.
As he was driving to the club, for some strange reason he felt the need to call her and tell her he was sorry for making her cry. He noticed his fingers tremble as he picked her number and pressed 'send' on his cell phone. The call went straight to her voice mail, and he could not leave her a message. He lit up another cigarrette and turned up the fm channel pumping the saturday nite house music. He could see the club looming on the side of the highway and promptly took the exit.
To be contd.
