If we wanted, we would never have a free time because knowledge is boundless and we could keep ourselves busy inquiring different aspects of life and its components. But once in a while we need breaks from our routined life, which otherwise would turn us to emotionless anthropoid machines. I was reading the threads from this website in my free time, with a hope I will learn more about my country and people and which way their thoughts are flowing. Some spark of frustration is compelling me to write this, otherwise I am one of those who doesn't like writing so much because of the fact that it requires contemplation and skills-which I am devoid of; and of course everyone wants their writing to be rhetorical. Usually, I've been champion of feminism at certain points of my life and have lot of respect for women, especially from our country because the portrait of women, showed to me through our scriptures, society, stories and even movies, is surely venerable and "feminine".
Apologies; this is about my personal thinking which might be traditional and conservative and I am open to all kind of criticism intending to change my way of thinking. I am 27 years old, came to the United States 3 years ago, did my masters and now working. Pretty much time to get married. As a matter of fact, tired of living lonely life. I am sure its not only me, but I am one of those who is always deprived of love. People might have different reasons, the easiest one is "never happened". For me, I never let it happened. Born and raised in typical "brahmin" family I was told to follow rules, focus on my study, career and objective. Its every human's desire to love and being loved. But it seemed more prudent to wait and prioritize the career first than getting hurried falling in love. So, I prefered to jack off in confinement rather than sleep around; just to act as a normal human being.
Hard life in America, pain of getting away from loving ones, lonliness, recent turn downs and harsh economic situation - what I like about these scary words is they make us a man who knows what to expect if you are struggling and want to move forward. Needless to say, America teaches us a lot of things. It will expedite our learning abilities about different aspects of our lives help us to become independent worker and thinker, list goes on.
All of a sudden I realized its now time for me to get a girl and get married, amidst this fast paced learning opportunities. But I was unaware that my search would not be as easy as my grandma told me when I was small. A random girl in a party with a glass of beer in her hand, after I told her that I dont drink, responded that nowadays women dont like guys who dont drink. Ok!!flaw in me, may be I should try it sometimes. Few months passed, on one of such random encounters, a girl asked me to get her either dutch master or wine black and mild-it doesnt matter which one. wow!! at least I have an option. But, for me drinking is more feminine than smoking. If somebody pointed a gun at me and asked to choose between two girls, I would choose the first one.
How about the education?? I, personally would never prefer a girl who run after boys during the time they are supposed to study and think that they might win a guy's heart by wearing shorts and shaking their "things". My understanding is only those women who don't believe in themselves, flaunt their assests around.
It turns me off, when the girls I meet, start talking like "you are the best guy among all the boyfriends I had". She couldn't wait, like I did. If somebody has been in a relationship 10 times before me, wouldnt that make him/her cynical? And when I say "I love you" with all my heart, it makes me scared if I am going to hear it back, because they have heard it so many times, enough to lose its value. One girl told me "sex is nothing dear, be with the one you like". But ask a girl who waited for a guy all her life, whether "his past" matters. In my opinion only those who has tainted past does not care about others past. She also added "if she had sex before you she would have plus point in the sense she knows how to do it". Hell...Even the dog know how to do it!!! She might have been cheated by her boyfriend, but how would I know that my girl is not promiscuous and did not slept around and is not like an allegator which has a pea-sized brain and always think about sex and money (in this case). A well judgemental woman would always know which men to choose so that she doesnt have to be betrayed, may be few exceptions. She would wait to the right person, unless she is so eager to get laid.
It doesn't mean all women are bad, there are equally bad men. This is just about what I recently observed and made me to think. I remembered a dude once told me that good girls go to heaven and bad girls are everywhere. If god creates relationship in heaven, I would ask for very simple feminine girl, doesnt matter whether she is blind or raped, at least her soul is pristine.
It would be better to teach the new generation children about the things like virtue, honesty, morality but also their minimal applicability in the real world. I know I sound more traditional. But I believe this is how it should be. You live once, you should love once. Rather than saying "I love you" to 10 diff people, 10 times a day, we should rather think about how we could aggrandize our partners in his or her career and life though our love. If we don't change the definition of love that we have nowadays, I will not have any sympathy for a heartbroken guy or girl. We should know that there is no right person, but there is right relationship and we are the one who make it, if we really love someone.
The fun part, I went to meditation for an hour yesterday and helped me gain composure along this tempest. I dont know there are guys who think alike. but moral of the story: meditate if you think like I do which will help you find happiness within yourself and make it less dependable on others. cheers!

...yes bro totally agree with what u said...i am in a same boat like u. 

Through my observations of all these years; i think life give you what you deserve. You have to believe in life and be in your discipline, you will get the right girl you deserve at the end. My observation.

Better to find the right one even if it late than regret whole life with your decision in haste :) .

good reading.

zenith0071:  After a longtime, i happen to see someone who has the same view, same delimma as I had.  Difference is I have alreay been through all that, happily maried with children, and you are just beginning your life and confused!  I am appalled you met all those "type" of girls who have no value, discipline, or character (i know some girls will yell at me for saying that!).  What kind of parties you were in?  Trust me there are still some girls out there who share your values.  Do not be depressed or disoriented. Find some Miss Right quick and get married.  Stay away from the people (girls or boys) who you can not mix well.  i am sure you do not like bar scene or night clubs.  no need to go there. 

Bro, in my analysis the girls you met were honest and frankly told what they are. My salute for them to be honest. But it is more scary to  believe on someone who is showing something else than reality and make you believe what you were looking for. Just be careful and take your time as you seems to highly value relationship and you are not among those who can easily forgive someone who betray you in this. I suggest you to find girl on your own. It is very scary to depend on parents choice...it's not that they think bad for you. But it's simple that the world has changed a lot and they analysis may not always be correct. They may know someone who is good and may consider their children to be good as well, which may not be true. On my opinion, getting married is not like buying a car or laptop...if you don't like...get a better brand with some additional cost. All the best.

I do wholeheartedly agree with what you feel Mr. ZENITH ! Like someone said, I am in same boat, I keep my fingers crossed that my proposition towards marriage and a happy life would be seconded by a good match one day. 

Either you are engineer or in different field, it is a hard story like every child is born and they have their uniqueness. Time, culture, society, value, respect are different to every person and it is hard to judge. Exactly, same I was, engineer, working, quit the job for marriage, started further education thinking that the girl from the home country better than here. But, don't try to make a single judgment to everyone, even people drink beer and had lot of boyfriends might be good in inner heart than who had never a boyfriend or vice -versa. A girl who is religious might not be always good than the girl who goes to bar. But in fact, it is hard to accept who had 10 boyfriends still in our society. So here a point is you can ruin your life with a beautiful girl without boyfriend in entire life and with good religious belief also (she might be completely different than you even if you think that is a ideal condition).

Final thing is the more you can handle time, culture, society value, respect with you personal satisfaction and if it matches at least with some point with other might be an ideal match for some time, but you don't know where you are off, where woman are off, where your wife is off.

It is one of the hardest subject in human kind, human man, its value, why to have marriage, have a sex, why divorce, why crime, why humiliation, why differences between the people. So, live your life at least with least stress but it is hard, you will have stress until you die.

 

LoL 

Seems like girls are just fine and they are liking the change in culture. Intresting part is nepali women wont even responds these kinds of threads. I am hoping after a decade guys will stop whining and starting to accept the fact. Me as a guy used to worry alot about my future partner and on the other hand i like to party alot which my family do not know anything about it. i slept with quite few women here in usa and i am pretty sure my personal trac record wont qualify to marry any girls from descent family ( not necessarily desent girl, which we dont know yet until she confess to me before we commit). From girls side of family also, parents do not know theirs daughters secret social activities and assuming she is ( pure soon to be badhu) they start marketing her such a way. Therefore, we all are living on PRISIONERS DILEMMA. i like talking to nepali girls and the fact that they wanted to act or sound innocent suntali( which i know its bull crap

** Nepali women already started to say NO and someday nepali man will say YES.**

 

i mean no ( suppression)

Yes ( feminist Nepal women)

Marriages are made in heaven. It's already been decided before you were born. So, my theory is keep it simple, no matter what you get live with it.

zenith0071,

You really have put in some thoughts on this thread, and I wanted to add some comments and my own thoughts to it. Since you have mentioned somewhere that you were open to some bits of criticisms to your 'thinking', and hopefully 'writing' too, I decided to rant. :-)

So, here's my rant:

The need to mention 'Engineer' is probably irrelevant to this topic! Someone else has already commented on that, and I'm sure you agree with that too.

I think you write very well. Just one advice to all that don't mind accepting constructive criticisms: the phrase "did not happened" (or similar) is wrong!

Some Russian who could hardly speak English himself, once commented with curiosity -

"Almost all Nepalese say - I didn't knew. Isn't that so wrong?"
 
How about a "Looser"? Unless one's talking about possibly a tool to loosen something, can't we omit that extra 'o'?

I remember back in the early FM radio era in Nepal, people just never stopped saying "I want to Delicate a song.." Some RJs ignored, some smirked, some subdued their burst outs, and one dude finally spoke up and started correcting them. He got criticized few times, but he didn't stop calling them down. I swear I heard much lesser "Delicates" than "Dedicates" on FM once that trend chain continued for some time.
 
I understand it's not our primary language, and I make tremendous mistakes myself while writing/typing, and don't catch them all even if I happen to re-read. You fat finger once in a while, and that goes unnoticed too. But these are some plain old grammar rules that we all understand and know, yet ignore. The Internet primarily uses English language, and so does this site. So, advocating on that hopefully doesn't make me a non-Nepali. :-)

Now, back to zenith0071's thoughts, and my additional rants:

How about starting bottom up?
Meditation is seriously a great way to feel the inner happiness and an excellent tool to help better balance ourselves. We humans take pride of our analytical minds (left side of the brain) that make us distinct from other living creatures. This 'conscious' mind is too chatty -- it takes us to heaven today, and pushes us down the hell-way the next day. It confuses us, teases us, and tricks us! We follow its acrobats and keep moving on. But, when we take a moment and silent this side/part of the brain by ignoring it, it goes to the background -- allowing its counterpart to take over the foreground. The subconscious mind - the big picture - the right side of the brain takes the lead. It is what controls our heartbeats, breathing processes, and countless other voluntary + involuntary activities. And when we start watching that 'side' of us in action silently and quietly, we feel the real pleasure. Am I making sense here? ;-) Anyway, I'd better stop here on this stuff!

Moving on up:

The relationships we build are built by us, and can also be broken by us. I am not aware of any law or a rule that allows an individual to officially discontinue a father-son, mother-daughter, brother-sister relationship, because such relationships are beyond our rights to decide on whether to maintain or let go. An individual - man or a woman might never be in a human-made relationship, or might end up being there more than once. Life is too long for emotional swings; and when a swing gets too high, feelings get stickier, decisions are made, right brain embraces them, and left brain loses. The decider is the 'master' right brain! If a girl goes through 5 such swings in her life before getting married, that should not make her a 'bad' or a 'low-character' woman. Obviously the same applies to men as well. Every time that swing hits the threshold, a new hope appears! That's the hope that makes you utter the words of affection. Some have abilities to suppress those words, and some don't. The ones that reveal and speak out probably mean it, unless there's a selfishness appended to those words, which is mostly not the case.

Settling down with one person is every sane being's desire. Even Anna Nicole (despite her fame and plethora of choices she could make) ended up settling with Howard K. Stern until her death. It is that 'swing' of emotion that hits you, and the stickiness gets higher when you are at your peak age (I don't know .. from the early teens until the late 20s?). Being able to have strict controls over such emotions possibly leaves one with the pristine soul, as you mentioned; but I find it very hard to believe that there is any such soul out there. The word 'pristine' could even be too overrated in this context! Tougher personality with better control over emotions is something that I have seen on some people, but that does not mean they 'wait' for the right person all their lives. The right person for them today could become the wrong one tomorrow. The ones you encountered could very well be those that believed they found their right partners at some point in life, and that didn't remain the same for too long. And this argument could go on forever...

A bitter truth that we all know, but tend to ignore at times is: There's no such thing called perfection, and no single person is good or bad. It is the compatibility that flashes a 'good' or 'bad' perception on one's mind. An insanely unappealing person in my eyes could be a charm in yours. Getting a sense of commonality and compatibility is probably the closest one can get in the process of identifying the right person in life. Rests remain on compromise and acceptance!

~@~

Thank you all for your comments and criticism. I found the reply from "I am Bahun" easy to adapt - keep it simple. Einstein's theory was to keep things simple. The simpler things are, happier we will be. Again "God and heaven" is the easiest solution, if we couldn't delve deeper into that matter. I, personally, used to be very religious - like I said From brahmin family with typical religious parents. But as I grew up, a lot of questions started haunting me, for example, what if there is no god? (my belief will be shattered) If there is god why there are still bad things happening? are human mind independent even god built us all? even then at what point of time, god suddenly thought about the creation? and what was god doing before that? But now I would like to call myself Agnostic, just to be on safer side. Or, it makes more sense for me not to define "intangible". Human mind is inquisitive; and if you think, you must conclude yourself as Agnostic. For me "Randonmess" theory is more plausible to accept. Nothing is destined, whatever happens are outcome of randomness. For man, which has thousands or variables and most of them are psychological and hence very difficult to understand, "Saajha" gave the name "emotional swing" for "randomness".Relations may not be made in heaven. Good possibility that there is no heaven or hell. These are just the imaginary places created by our ancestors, because they foresaw our future. They anticipated that there should be "control" to our rampant desires. If you reveiw our holy scriptures,  our tradition you will find a lot of flaw and this is because these are all norms set by human at some point - and human mind is fallible and selective.
Nothing against our religion and cultures, these are the things that I am/were going through, so cannot even take the help of God.
@Saajha, believe me I used to notice all those grammatical mistakes you mentioned. I even think 'ignorance is not an excuse'. You cannot back off saying that this is your second language. If you do it, you have to make it. But also, to err is human and I hope you will have divinity inside you to forgive.
Nothing ostentatious beside writing "engineer". Just wanted to emphasize error in me. My narrow mindedness - I always thought hardwork and fun cannot co-exist. I refrained myself from most of the fun and kept it for future and the foolish thing is I used to be so happy and proud of my decisions. Now, I see myself as a jerk, a guy with no life, loser; you name all that sort of things and I am those. Worst of all, I am not happy with my situation. And the reason is stupid-  I followed the rules, refrained myself from being a free-spirit, never smoked, drank beer once, never ran after girls, supressed my desires. But I confess that I have watched porn, once in a while, haunted with temptation to drink alcoholic bev. with friends and freak out.
I agree with saajha that there is no perfection and people who are right today could be wrong tomorrow, because we are in a constant state of flux. Otherwise couple happily "love married" would never divorce after sharing together for 20 some years. My role as an onlooker for 27 years of my life, what I have noticed is 80% of the relationships are certain to fail, mainly due to our "expectations" which I think is main reason for misery in the world. Out of those who get married more than 90%, become dissatisfied with their relationship at some point. Results can be observed in free country like USA - every 3 out of 5 american marriages end up with divorce. But these data do not, to any extent, support that soulmates do not exist. Soulmates do exist. If we look for a soulmate we do not sleep around with 10 wrong ones and lose our dignity and virtue to find one right one; and after couple of years find that this 11th one dont know how to cook spaghetti. We wait for that person, when we think we are ready, and we do all the good possible things to keep that relationship moving, never complain about the burnt spaghetti. Or else, if we think that marriage is a compromise or cessation of freedom, its not even necessary to get married. Love is to help us make progress in our lives, not to entangle us in it. If we have to apply "dont ask dont tell" policy in our relationsip that means we are not communicating. We were talking in one of the seminars that most of the projects fail due to lack of communication. What could be expected from a relationship that is based on fear of each other's past and resulting prevarications?? It would be more like politics. I never liked politics, by the way. And the reason is pretty straightforward. By the time you choose and enter one party, feeling of supporting the interest of your party and your people automatically preceed the interest of nation and its people. And once you accidentally lie, you have to defend it to maintain your reputation. Love should not be like this.
Anyways, I wish y all a very happy Valentines day - love for nature, music, family and friends, poor and disabled around us, love for god and goodness make us all great lovers.

To both zenith0071 and Saajha ... thanks a lot for your beautiful thoughts. Many young Nepalese engineers ("engineer" as in terms of zenith0071's definition for engineer) feel the same.  Many views have already been cut, sliced and cooked already. No more cooking from my side. Good Luck to zenith0071 and all other Nepalese Engineers for their bright future with a good girl as a soulmate.

Cheers!!

 

-Daum

Like everyone else, I too got into the whirpool of "frustration of an enginner" and hence overlooked this article thinking that this might well be an another story of an enginner unable to find a job and so forth. Despite claiming yourself as a non-skilled writer, I personally think you have that flair and ability of presenting appropriately. I must say I throughly enjoyed this piece - a mixture of humor, wit, insights, and frustration! :)

P.S: How you envy those students having all the time to get dressed up, you having to work all day in labs waiting for some stupid results and also not having enough time to see yourself in the mirror [a bit of exaggeration here.] Exact frustration of my engineering friends!

zenith,
you are single and lonely. Nothing wrong with that. I too have a story to share with you. It's a fiction and don't worry if pinches.


My premise will be when you meet the girl that you've been searching for...

So, imagine you meet your perfect girl. She doesn't drink, you don't drink and you fall in 'love.' Soon enough you two decide to marry. Both of you haven't had sex so your honeymoon doesn't go quite as you expected. You are an engineer and make decent money. She is an accountant, makes less than you, but not for long. You decide to mortgage a small house or a Condo, depending on where you live.  Two years pass by, you have a daughter and she's the cutest thing in the whole world. You bore your non-married friends to death by talking about all the greatest things your daughter does and soon enough you find yourself hanging with other parents.Ten years down the line you have two kids, a ten year old and an eight year old. You are still paying mortgage for your house. You've also bought a new Honda Accord or some mid-size sedan. You are probably making 100K at this point. Your wife is making more money but you tell yourself 'I am an engineer while she punches numbers in a spreadsheet.'

Ten more years fly by and your kids are in school. They don't speak Nepali since you were caught up rejoicing when they picked up American accent. Since you pushed your kids pretty hard, they get into ivy leagues. Initially, they won't drink but pretty soon, they will realize everyone in college drinks.

Another ten years fly by. Your daughter gets married. It's the happiest day of your life. You are debt-free from your house. You joke with your wife about going back to Nepal after retirement. It's the same joke you've been making since the day you got married. Ten more years go by. You are taking pills for whatever medical condition you have. You've decent savings in your retirement fund and you want to go back to Nepal. Only thing is there is no one you know so you decide to hang out in the US.

You live may be 20 more years but either way you are in your death bed. As you are dying you are making sense out of your existence. While you are drugged in morphine, or some pain-reliever, a thought crosses your mind and you wonder if that shot of vodka at a party would have changed everything. You also realize how you've played it safe throughout your life. You start to think why you didn't take risks and why you were uptight about your ideals. You see that by playing it by the books you have come to the inevitable destination that your predictable journey led.
But then again you look at your wife and your kids who are beside you, with your grandson holding your finger and it is just so wonderful to be loved.

...................................................The End.............................................................................

We all have ideals, morals, beliefs and values. As hard as it is to destruct what has been constructed through years of training, engineering an open mind is one of the greatest feat one can aspire for.

FF

Live, and let live. Lack of both vanity and narcissism can do wonders - such transparency is well desired, especially by women - so I have been told.

For consenting adults, dating is pretty normal and socially acceptable. I think it is quite healthy in building viable social skills with the opposite sex. At least, this is how it works in a global context - more so in open free societies. I am sure that there is one out there that fits your bill.

Anyone who has had some serious relationships will say that they are very complex, and they need to be appreciated in order to make them work. In my opinion, it is better to keep 'going out' well enough to understand your partner, and eventually move in together to get to know even better (not necessarily intimacy) before the wedding invitation goes out - in terms of habitual tendencies, attitude, lucidity etc. - anything that gives you a little more assurance that you are able to live the rest of your life with this person. And yes, praise (not criticism) with an open mind helps.

There is definitely a culture clash - and most everyone goes through them. When hanging out with your non-nepali male colleagues from work - intermingle with them, and get their views on the subject - it will only help you to understand from a different point of view.

If you are unable to date before you tie the knot, and if you believe that your thinking above is what makes the world turn then just find a partner who would be in awe with everything you do. And nothing else will matter. You will get what you want. And your views are forever gone. Everyone is happy.

When it comes to finding a soul mate - do what works for you - if all else fails start on a clean slate and look beyond race, religion, politics, family, cultural, past relationships and material possessions, and ask yourself these questions: Does she make me happy? Does she understand me well? Does her affinity for intellect make me comfortable? Is she there when I need her? Is her insecurity well cared for? How does she act when she meets your friends and co-workers? Does she compromise and meet you in the middle during arguments? Etc. Notice how this is free from all the baggage that I said to look beyond from - a partner's celibacy has nothing to do with compatibility - only selfish and hubris tendencies will make you think in such a way.

To each his own.

-JB

Well said javabeans.